A small update

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Post by LADIES AND GENTLEMEN on Sun 06 Dec 2009, 10:17 am

I am failing miserably at being part of this place and I apologise. A lot is going on in life, right now.

I got my L plates (: so I'm driving a lot a lot a lot. I'm hoping to have my second phase L's by the end of January, which I think is reasonable. Also, I'm working a lot and playing a lot of music. Computers just fall by the wayside.

So I'm here to talk about a little bit of drama (: yay, we all love drama! My life is like an episode of Will and Grace!

One of my friends, Luke, told me three days ago that he was in love with me. I told him that while I had feelings for him, I was not even going to bother with ANYTHING unless it was exclusive, even though I'm not comfortable being in a sexual relationship right now (and probably won't be for a long time.) He promised me that yes, he'd be faithful, and that being with me was more important than sex.

Last night we went to a party and he had a threesome two of my friends, and invited a third to join them. She didn't, because she's a decent person. Still, the damage was done.

I'm not angry at anyone but him. They came up to me afterwards (one was even crying) and apologised over and over, and I just told them that look, it wasn't their fault; they didnt know about us, there was barely anything happening and we hadn't even kissed yet. (Still a lip virgin.) I actually thanked them - he was pretty promiscuous and I was thinking of that party as an audition, of sorts. Clearly he failed.

I just need to get this out somewhere, because everywhere else involves people we both know, and while I hope they DO all find out (because what he did was wrong and because I want them to know that he's the kind of person who'd do that, were they considering being with him) I don't want to stir up drama. Here is a relatively safe place.

What have a learned from this? Don't believe teenagers who say they're in love. Sure, I knew what love was at 15/16 (and I maintain that Marlee is the only person thus far I've ever been in love with) but I made the mistake of thinking that everyone was mature enough to process emotions like I do. Marlee and I were together for over ten months, and I drank a LOT during that time, but not ONCE did I ever cheat on her. I wouldn't dream of it, because you don't do that to people you're in love with. And for him to say he was in love with me is not only insulting to me, but it's insulting to anyone who has ever been in love.

I'm not upset as much as I am angry. It takes a lot for me to put my trust in someone, and to have it thrown around like nothing is just unforgivable. He knew everything about my past and my trust issues (being deserted by all my friends in the Singapore airport on the way to China, crying and cutting myself and being told by the only people who'd ever stuck by me that even they just didn't want to know me any more) and about many other issues I have with myself (in regards to why I can't easily have relationships) that many of you don't even know. And despite all that, he did what he did. Alcohol is no excuse.

So I've decided that more than ever, I need to distract myself. IAR is a good outlet, and I promise to be a better admin from now on. As for ways of coping with loneliness, I get two weeks off work soon so I'm spending as much time with friends as I can during that time. I'm also going to start Polaroid365 on January 1, so that'll be something new and exciting. And I'm going away to Adelaide to see soundwave and meet with some really good friends of mine who live there, which will be fucking amazing.

I'm finding I'm taking good things from this, rather than bad, and that alone is reassuring. I could wallow in self pity and whine to myself about exactly why he did what he did; I could turn it into something about me not being good enough. But it's not - it's him not being good enough for me. And I'm really glad I'm at a point in my life where I can finally see that.


Now if only Chris Colfer would move to Perth...

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Post by Who we are. on Sun 06 Dec 2009, 6:49 pm

Your such a strong person Mikey.
He doesn't deserve you at all.
I'm always here if you do need anything, okay?
(:
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Post by Jack Skellington on Mon 07 Dec 2009, 3:23 am

He totally doesn't deserve you. -loves-
Seriously, one of the strongest people I know is you (:

PS I swear to god you'll get those glasses soon XD
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Post by LADIES AND GENTLEMEN on Wed 09 Dec 2009, 8:16 pm

Thanks, you guys. <3

I'm... up and down. I was in tears five times at work on monday. I was shaking when I got to FC tonight, even though I knew he wouldnt be there. It's not that I'm hurt to have lost him, really, because if he'd treat me like that then he's not worth it in the first place. I'm just so angry and upset at myself for handing out my trust so willingly and letting myself get hurt once more. I'm angry at him for what he did and even angrier because I've somehow let his disgusting behaviour make me feel like I'M the one who's worthless. Asdxfgh. Fuck love.

But ty for being there. illie

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Post by Who we are. on Wed 09 Dec 2009, 8:27 pm

Mikkkey -loves-
Your not wrong for trusting him,
His wrong for abusing that trust.
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Post by Galileo Figaro on Fri 18 Dec 2009, 9:48 pm

Shit, I should check the journals more instead of just confessions.

-loves- -loves- -loves-

Like you, I am v glad that you see HE is the issue here, not YOU. You're way above doing things like that, and the fact that he is not makes him completely undeserving of you. You're so much better than he is, Mikey. You have morals, you have integrity, and you wouldn't throw them away for the world. I admire that.

I hate people just throwing the word 'love' around all over the place. They just chuck it around everywhere, even when they don't mean it. It's horrible, it takes away so much from its meaning. That's part of why you came up with 'adrisole', remember? (:
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Post by LADIES AND GENTLEMEN on Sat 19 Dec 2009, 6:38 pm

Yes (: although as I said before, sometimes I wish I didn't believe in either of them. I'm so sick of getting hurt.

The worst bit is that even though I know it's his fault, it's still affecting me so badly. I've been to FC four times since (he was only there once) and ended up in tears in the co-ordinators office three of those times. On wednesday the was there and everyone was sitting in one big group, along with him, and nobody even spared a thought for the fact that I couldnt be around him. and then they all went out and I just broke down. Thankfully my friend Paul (who is one of the people who have really been standing by me in this) was there and actually bothered to talk to me, but by then the damage was done. it still feels like they all like him better; like he's the favourite, and nothing, not even what he did to me, will stop them all from liking him.

You know what'd solve everything? If chris colfer got his ridiculously attractive ass over here and we just made out right then and there in front of Luke.

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Post by Galileo Figaro on Mon 21 Dec 2009, 9:34 pm

Oh, I was wondering about that tweet. Ughhh. I know people can be reeeaaally inconsiderate irl, esp when you're used to communicating on the Internet where you just type what you're thinking and post it. You kinda have to remember they can't see into your head the way we on IAR can. Not that I'm saying this is your fault at all, it's just, you can try to make it easier for yourself, maybe?

Some people are just more charismatic than others, and I don't think there's anything you can do about that. People forget. :/ You can't, since it happened to you, but people do forget.

It kind of amuses me that you spell 'Chris Colfer' without the caps. lol@chu
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Post by LADIES AND GENTLEMEN on Wed 23 Dec 2009, 6:13 pm

It's actually a respect thing. I spell my name without capitals, too. I prefer them that way. mikey james and chris colfer > Mikey James and Chris Colfer.

and yeah. i guess the thing is, it's not like I'm NOT charismatic or out there or funny. and moreover, I'm real. as I (and others) have seen recently, he's an act. He's one big act to play everyone and make them all think he's wonderful, and he's not. he's a liar and a cheater and he manipulates people, and you need to be one of the people he's fucked over to truly appreciate the artful way he fools people into thinking he's a decent guy. I don't think he even realises it, to an extent.

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Post by belle of the boulevard. on Thu 24 Dec 2009, 12:09 am

i prefer my name in lower case too! -high five-
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