Hi, Love :')

by the way Mon 05 Jan 2009, 4:23 pm

Hi, Love.

The ones who know who you are are pretty much the ones who matter.
So here we are again.
It's a new year.
It's been six months.

Lately I've stopped posting about you because I thought that'll make the pain go away.
And it works, sometimes.
Only sometimes.

Last night I cried to a romantic movie that isn't really that sad or even that good in the first place. It's the first time I did that, shed tears for something I wasn't passionate about. But I was thinking how they got their happy ever after, or even if it's not so happy at least they have each other. I was thinking how it's already the new year, and I've turned down every other guy the past months, because I didn't want to lie to them or to myself. Half of them found other girls, and I'm jealous, not because I ever liked them, but because they're okay now, and I, still, am not. I was thinking how it's just the start of another year, alone, without you or anyone else.

I don't even know why I'm still worked out over this.
What you and I had, doesn't even compare to the epic stories that other people have/had.
We never promised forever, we never had a life/death thing for each other, and those few official months are just specks in the multiple decade romances other people have/had. I say this, because I'm comparing the 'tragedy' of it all. Other people have been together for years, only to be cheated on, and others have been married for half their lifetimes only for the other one to die. Ours wasn't like that. Not even close.

It was just a few nights in bed, or looking up at the sky, a few days fooling around in the sunshine and the heat, and a few kisses and explicit touches that anyone else could have done without it really meaning anything.
I have this feeling it never really meant anything to you, not really.
I was a distraction, someone convenient, not the best one in your eyes.

I don't know why I fell for you, but I did.
You hooked me up so bad. I can't even describe it.
It's the stupidest thing I've ever done, I think. To allow myself to be so in deep for someone who wasn't really worth it, who will never be really good for me.

But I did. And I don't regret it, not really. I mean, at least my 'firsts' were nice. You were a nice person to do them with, to be with, period. And you were incredible, while you lasted.

I wouldn't be clueless with anyone again.
But, still...

If I did it with anyone else, we wouldn't have to be so awkward now.
Even if we talk (kinda), even if we sometimes see each other (get-togethers), even if you gave me that stupid bracelet for Christmas (you gave every other girl close to you one, too, in a different color).

It's just... a lose-lose situation.

And you're moving on yourself. It's never been hard for you to get what you want, who you want. It never has to mean much. And that's where we're different.

I can't move on, I guess, I keep wishing for that closure.
To have one final talk with you without you acting like it never happened.
Are you even human?
I want to know... how much of what you said, you really meant. If you actually saw us lasting. Why you let me down in the most horrible way and scarred me, maybe forever.

And I want to. I want to leave you behind and find someone else and be happy.
Someone who will love me like I deserve to be love, someone who will treat me as their number one, someone who will never trade me for anything or leave me.
The opposite of you, in that aspect.

Please let me be happy.
Even if you couldn't do it yourself, at least allow me to become that on my own.

But you've always been a cruel one. You've killed two people, and you rarely cared for anyone else that much.

Maybe I'm asking for too much?
God, I really want to let you go.

I want my happy ever after.
Please.

Just...
Ugh.

How will I ever, if I can't even dream of sending you this?
I don't know how to end this cleanly.

You never did.

Love,
Me.

PS I don't hate you, not really, and I miss you more than you'll ever know.
But I wish I never met you, twice as much.