(c) And Now You're Falling Down. (M)

Title: And Now You're Falling Down.
Rating: M.
Author: Me (opium den mother.)
Status: Oneshot/Complete
Summary/Exerpt:
"Hah. We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down, huh?"

"Y...Yeah... In a way..."

--

I reached the top floor, pushing open the heavy steel door. I felt a cool gush of wind as the night enveloped around me. Stepping out of the door frame, and letting the door go, it slammed shut behind me, the noise echoing around the empty rooftop space. This building was the tallest, busiest building in the city and right now, I was sitting on top of it, alone. Or so I thought.

"Heh. You too?" I heard the voice speak from behind me.

"W..What do you mean?" I stammered back as a reply.

"You here to jump too?"

"I... I guess I am"

"Heh. We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down, huh?"

"Y...Yeah... In a way... I'm Jack." I decided I would feel easier about him if I knew his name.

"Nick," he replied, "come over here, I wanna show you something." He dragged me to the edge of the roof, and we looked over in awe. I stared straight down, and I saw the city alive, there was basically a beat moving the city, there was a heart somewhere here, pumping the people along the street. It was basically a circulatory system, cars were driving down roads which were the arteries. Trains were running down their tracks which were veins and the pedestrians were rushing down the sidewalk, the capillaries. "Isn't it beautiful?" he asked. I was gobsmacked. I had never seen the city from so high above before, and I never knew it looked like this.

"Is... is there any more you can show me?" I asked, nervously. He laughed.

"Of course. Over here!" He dragged me to the other side of the roof. From this side we could see the harbour. We got there just in time to see a huge cruise liner leave. The big, white iceberg, moving through the cool blue water. Over the next hour and a half Nick had shown me the entire city, from the airport to the subway, the buildings to the manholes. When, out of the blue I decided to ask him something.

"Who are you?" He looked shocked at this sentence, like I should just automatically know who he is.

"I told you, I'm Nick." He stared at me, not believing I had asked the question.

"But... Who ARE you? How did you get here, why are you here?!" I kept pressing him for answers. I needed to know this.

He sighed. "I'm here because your mind wants me here. It wants someone to explain that everything is alright. It wants me to explain that everything is worth living for. I'm meant to be here to save you. I don't exist otherwise." I wandered over to the edge of the roof, and stood next to the ledge, and looked out over the city, of which I'd fallen in love with over the last hour and a half.

"But.. if you don't exist, how can you save me?"

"Maybe I wasn't meant to?"

And with that, "Nick" grabbed my hand, and pulled me up on the ledge.

"Let's make our mark on the fucking city!"

And without a second glance, we dove off the edge.
checked. pp.J

I didn't get to comment this earlier because my body was dying, but I'm back now and I'm gunna comment the hell out of it
I felt a cool gush of wind as the night enveloped around me. Stepping out of the door frame, and letting the door go, it slammed shut behind me, the noise echoing around the empty rooftop space. This building was the tallest, busiest building in the city and right now, I was sitting on top of it, alone. Or so I thought.
This paragraph is really descriptive and sets the perfect scene. It really succeeds in painting a picture in the readers mind and places them right in the middle of the action. It has some beautiful, beautiful, beautiful metaphors, 'as the night enveloped around me' is such an elegant turn of phrase and gives the story an abstract grace.

"Heh. You too?" I heard the voice speak from behind me.

"W..What do you mean?" I stammered back as a reply.

"You here to jump too?"

"I... I guess I am"

"Heh. We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down, huh?"

This dialog isn't forced at all which is no small feat. It seems to come naturally and yet still manages to convey the nervousness the character is feeling as he is faced with someone new and intimidating. 'We're clocking in to watch our fate come crashing down' thats a fantastic line, fantastic. Dry and satirical and very in-your-face, it seems to shock the protagonist, almost as if he hasn't fully come to terms with what he was about to do until the stranger forces it upon him.

He dragged me to the edge of the roof, and we looked over in awe. I stared straight down, and I saw the city alive, there was basically a beat moving the city, there was a heart somewhere here, pumping the people along the street. It was basically a circulatory system, cars were driving down roads which were the arteries. Trains were running down their tracks which were veins and the pedestrians were rushing down the sidewalk, the capillaries. "Isn't it beautiful?" he asked. I was gobsmacked. I had never seen the city from so high above before, and I never knew it looked like this.

This is magnificent imagery and a very beautiful metaphor for what the two characters are seeing. Literally seeing the heart of the city beat before their very eyes, its a very powerful emotion that you have injected into the story at this point, it forces the reader to imagine the city, a typical city, in this way and really opens up the senses of the reader. This was probably my favourite paragraph, I loved it, I really did

"Is... is there any more you can show me?" I asked, nervously. He laughed.

"Of course. Over here!" He dragged me to the other side of the roof. From this side we could see the harbour. We got there just in time to see a huge cruise liner leave. The big, white iceberg, moving through the cool blue water. Over the next hour and a half Nick had shown me the entire city, from the airport to the subway, the buildings to the manholes. When, out of the blue I decided to ask him something.


I love this, I love that this stranger, this Nick, has in a way converted Jack, has opened him up to everything around him, shown him the world in a way that he would have otherwise never imagined. Noe Jack is so eager and thirsting for knowledge it has almost rendered him with a certain naivety in the fact that he is trusting this stranger with what was originally going to be his final moments.

"I'm here because your mind wants me here. It wants someone to explain that everything is alright. It wants me to explain that everything is worth living for. I'm meant to be here to save you. I don't exist otherwise." I wandered over to the edge of the roof, and stood next to the ledge, and looked out over the city, of which I'd fallen in love with over the last hour and a half.

"But.. if you don't exist, how can you save me?"

"Maybe I wasn't meant to?"

And with that, "Nick" grabbed my hand, and pulled me up on the ledge.
This was a very complex set of paragraphs, Nick repeatedly danced the line between protagonist and antagonist, hero and anti-hero. He was there to save Jack and yet was his motives selfish, he didn't exist separately from him. It was like Jack wasn't fighting with a stranger, he was fighting with his mind. That live or die instinct that we all have, the sink or swim phenomena.

"Let's make our mark on the fucking city!"

And without a second glance, we dove off the edge.
These last two lines hit me, hard, amazingly so. They were so powerful, they pulled no punches, they weren't thinly veiled metaphors or soft words, they were harsh and brash and inescapably. Shocks to the system. Beautiful, hard-hitting shocks to the system and I that you for it, because I need it.

This story was spectacular, a work of art, and you my dear friend are one hell of an artist.

I love it
I'm in love with it::inlove:
checked. pp.J[/quote]

I wrote a second ending, a more "appropriate one"