Following in footsteps?

So I feel kind of dead inside at the moment.
I think I might be manic depressive. I don't know.
I tend to get really happy and high on life for a few months and then crash and just kinda hate life and crap.
I don't really think so though, but some of my friends said I might be.
Since this is the internet I'm going to be completly honest since..that's what you do with the internet lolz
Well...my grandmother hung herself this Tuesday. And...she was a happy person, but she would go through phases with the time, like for some months she would be really happy and sing songy and stuff and the next she would be moaning and crying 'Frogive me Mom. Frogive me mom. Forgive me mom.' in the lastest of the nights. It was not her. So I guess this time she finally couldn't take the low point anymore and snapped.
Some part of me thinks that I am doomed to follow. Well not doomed, but that I have the same brain chemistry as she did and that maybe that's what will happen to me. My mom is the same way. I don't even know...

Right now I'm going through my down stages and I just hate it. I want to be happy and I have nothing to be sad about, but I still am. I just feel like I want to run away and forget school and everything. I want to get away from it all. I don't want to worry about what my grades are or do 5 hours of homework a night. I don't want to do the same routine everyday. I want to be able to see and talk to my friends. I want to be able to play my guitar and write poetry and music again. I want to listen to music and read and be myself again. I hate that I never have time for any of this anymore. I just feel like all my fishing rods are cast into the sea, but I'm getting no nibbles. I don't know...

Not to mention the fact that my heart is stupid. It couldn't have picked an easier person to fall for? Nope. So there's this guy and he's awesome. And see I realized that the reason I liked him is because when I was with him he would make the rest of the world go away. No matter what drama or crap was going on, no matter what I had to do, when I was spending time with him, my brain would just stop thinking. I would feel calm and at peace. Like I was serving my purpose in life just by being there. It just felt right. And he kinda lives far away and he now kinda has a girlfriend. So I don't have a problem with that...but I just feel, maybe just for right now because I'm so down ro something, that he is the thing that could help. I'm supposed to be saving him actually, because he does need saving and I'm okay with saving him because I don't have to be different than I already am to help. But, I kind of just feel like the reason I get up in the morning is knwoing that I soon or one day will get to cuddle with him again. I don't know, like everything else in life has kind of lsot it's purpose. School? Homework? Clubs? I don't know. It just all seems pointless and I never find time to do things I like anymore. I feel like when I'm with him, this whole stupid world which I'm slwoly getting really annoyed with just melts and I feel like I can find time to write my poetry and sing my songs and feel again. Feel...happy and whole and complete.

He probably doesn't feel the same way and even if he did he couldn't, wouldn't do anything about it. He's stuck in a hard situation right now and I understand that and it's not like I want to put pressure on him or anything because that's the opposite of what I want to do, but it's just so addicting. To feel? You know? I like feeling and when I'm with him I do. When he's not here or when I'm not there to make him smile or to make him laugh or to say something to make him cheer up, it just feels kind of like I wasted my day. Every other task just seems like something I'm supposed to do, but for him it's somthing I WANT to do. NEED to do. And I feel terrible inside for doing that to him...I feel like such an obssesive freak, but my heart is the one that won't let me move on. It won't let me let go. It's still holding on because it hasn't finished.

I want to feel again. I want to feel happy, whole and complete. I want to forget everything. I want it to be summer again. You know? Like that one song Love Story by Thomas Dybdahl 'An endless summer without a fall.' . Ij just want tonot worry about getting up at 5:30 in the morning 6 days a week. And then Sunday going to church and doing homework all day. I don't want to worry about having to finish the 5 hours of homework I have or the tests I'll have this week or the fact thatI have a speech meet every Saterday. I just don't. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to BE HAPPY. That's all....Why does society have to make us be something we're not and try and do all these things. I can't feel anything but saddness right now even when I'm happy. I know that doens't make sense, but I've lost my sense of being. I've lost me. I've lost my purpose and I want it back...

I'm sorry. To him.
I'm sorry that he makes me complete.
I'm sorry that he's the only thing that makes me feel.
I wish I could just be happy for everyone.
Maybe things will get better once tommorow starts.
School again. Less time to think. Yeah...

I'm not sure.
What makes you feel?
What moments or actions make you forget everything and just enjoy life?
What would you take out of your life to make it better?
What makes you happy?
Who makes you happy?
Are you happy?
If not...what are you feeling right now?
How do u feel on what I had to say?
Can you relate?
What's your story?