It's about making changes.

by **she had the world.** Mon 23 Mar 2009, 11:00 am

So, I came onto the internet for the first time today in maybe a week. I got my computer fixed recently, but since I have barely used the internet. Only used it from my phone to check Facebook or whatever. Which is a change from the girl who never use to get off the internet. But here I am.

And just because I feel the need to say this, I'm really lazy about writing journals and I know that no one ever reads- but that's probably a good thing since I tend to go on tangents. Anyway, I'm just going to write what's on my mind right now.

At the risk of sounding stupid and melodramatic, I've come to realise the changes that I need to make in my life so I can make it better. It really hurts to admit to yourself that the way you've been living is bad for you, or self destructive- but I'm doing it now because I know that this is what I need to do.

I hate this depression that never seems to go away, even though sometimes I feel better than other times. There is no point in me sitting and wallowing in my thoughts like I have in the past, when they are what makes it worse. I hate being referred to as a "mental illness" and I want to get better by myself. I work with two other people who are medicated, and they tell me that I should go onto the medication because it helps and it helps you to get better. It may work for them, but I don't want to be someone who relies on a pill to make them feel better.

I'm a fucking stubborn bitch at times, but the fact that I am so stubborn and such a bitch is what is keeping me together and keeping me alive. I would of given in by now, but I'm not. I'm determined to see it through to the end, just like I do with so much other things that I do. Like I did on exchange, like I did with school and like what I'm doing with work. I have doubts and begin to talk myself out of something, but in the end I hold on and I finish it.

So from this point on I am making changes in my life, good changes. That are going to help me. I've said this to myself before that I'm going to make a change but I never get around to it. It's not the sticking to something that makes me slip up, but it's the motivation to say "I'm going to do this" and the determination it takes to get started that lets me down. I can't live this way anymore, because this emotional rollacoaster that I have been on for the last two years is killing me. That's not figurative, it really is. I've just gained so much weight and lost so much self esteem in myself. I can't even begin to explain how much self hatred towards my body that I hold inside myself every day. This self destructive habits is killing my body, and the self-esteem issues doesn't help me mentally to make myself better.

Being away from the internet while I wasn't able to be on my computer 24/7 and not using it as much lately has actually made me feel better. The internet was just becoming this place of anger for me to be on it all the time, and I took it out on other people. I tried really hard to not let it become that, because I had so many friends that I talk to online, but in the end it blew up in my face. In short- the internet was making me so sad that I couldn't bare it anymore and it just made me angry at everything. I'm sorry to the people that I've hurt, because I haven't been there for you or anyone else. Friends or not, it's not right for me to take my anger out on other people.

Now I realise that I like being away from the internet. I like being out of the house, I hate my job- but I like being around people and do things outside of work and home. They make me happy, and god I miss being happy. So now I'm going to make changes. Beginning with my habits, and then my body and then my mind.

I'm limiting the amount of time I spend on IAR and the internet. I'm still going to be here, and I'm still going to do my duties here but just won't be around all the time.

I'm going to make more time for my writing. I have this huge idea in my head that's been there for months. So... I'm going to write a novel. It's probably going to be shit but I miss writing.

I'm going to finally get my license and stop being scared of driving. I want the freedom of being able to go where ever I want and I'm not going to make silly mistakes that will keep me from passing my test. I'm going to stay focused, I know I'm a good driver- I just get scared.

I'm losing weight. I need to lose 24kgs by the end of the year, and I know I can do it. I just need the determination to do it. I have such a hatred about the way my body looks, that the only way I can fix it is to lose the weight that I hate so much. My body is ugly, and I feel so ugly in it. So I'm going to change it.

I'm going to save money and have it in my savings. This isn't really anything big or important, but it will be good for me.

I want to spend more time with my family and do more for them. I feel like I just leech off them and make their lives harder. And I'm going to try to be more understanding about my sister, even if she is re-diagnosed with autism.

I'm going to exercise more- it makes me feel great afterwards and I feel more energized.

I'm going to pay more attention to my friends and stop letting them down. More so to the ones that are the closest to me. My best friend who I barely speak to anymore because we're never online at the same time anymore. The ones who live near me, I'm going to go out with them more and be there for them when they need me. And I'm going to forge new friendships with the people I work with, because the beginnings are there.

All in all. I'm going to make these changes for myself, not for anyone else. Because I know in the long run that nobody else is going to fix me other than myself.

This is a silly little journal, but everything that was on my mind is gone. I used to be so sad and angry, and sometimes I still am. But I'm going to make a fresh start.

Ha. I feel so much better now, and I'm going to be better.

I'm going to be myself again. The bright, happy, bubbly person I use to be.