This is the only place i felt i could post...

by bliss. Wed 30 Sep 2009, 9:48 am

I'm looking through my old writing folder from 8th grade.

some of this stuff amazes me. i can't imagine feeling that depressed now.

"to the people who make fun of me;
just give up. you'll never be able to say anything that will measure up to how much i hate myself."

I.....don't know what to say about it, honestly. I'm shocked I ever felt that way. I'm glad I don't anymore.
I want to burn every piece of paper in that folder. Though I'd regret it if I did. There's no reason to. I'm embarrassed by who I was but glad I came this far.

This journal was TOTALLY pointless.

-Gavin.

by **LADIES AND GENTLEMEN** Wed 30 Sep 2009, 4:34 pm

First of all, nothing we do in life is pointless. you felt something and you needed to express it - there's a point to that, and it's a deserving one.

Also - the maxim you've come to - one that I completely agree with - doesn't have to just be. I think I was crying when I babbled out "nobody will ever hate me as much as I do" - but unlike most of the meaningless, self-indulgent bullshit that spills from my lips when I'm in tears, it actually stuck with me. That's rare, because normally I clean myself up and tell myself it was silly to be upset, and pretend I don't really feel any of the things I express in those moments - that I'm happy with myself, that I love my life, that I have no reason to worry. This didn't, because it makes sense to me; more sense than my normal, miserable self indulgence does.

But think about it - if nobody hates you more than you do, then they have no power. If you sling the worst insults at yourself, they're left with nothing to hit you with that can even begin to compare. If you're your own worst enemy, then who else is going to bother fighting?

Why care what they think when it's nothing compared to what you think?

At least, that's how I see it.

by Galileo Figaro Thu 01 Oct 2009, 4:06 pm

Oh, I have the exact same thing, just that mine's in the form of a journal. I know just what you mean about being embarrassed yet glad. My past is a part of me that I sometimes wish wasn't there, but I'm sort of glad it is most times, since being that way changed me and made me see things differently.

Most of my 'I hate myself' stuff was posted online, though, on the Confessions thread at Mibba.com. One day I went back there and tried to call up my old posts, to see the monster I was back then, but was relieved/disappointed to see that the old Confessions threads have all been deleted. It's nice that it's been erased, but I still kind of want to see it at the same time.

That wasn't pointless at all, don't say that. You needed to get those feelings out somehow, 'cause they eat away at you. They still eat away at you even if you don't get them out, but at least it's a little less.

I thought about burning my journals before too, but I could never bring myself to do them. If anything, I want some...gauge, sort of, if ever I start sliding back into it, God forbid. I want some kind of gauge to see how bad I get. I'm weird that way.

Glad you posted this. It's nice to know that, you know, there are people out there who are kind of like you, no matter who or where they are.

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