Rambling and shit that nobody is going to read anyways. :tehe:

I hate being around people so much! I seriously just can't stand it at all...I don't like being around anyone for more than 30 minutes. I go crazy. I prefer to be alone...I'm actually getting to the point that I feel like if I get a boyfriend/girlfriend they'll just annoy me. Which actually really really bothers/worries me, because I've always been the romantic type. And I'm scared that if I keep hating being near people, I'll never get a boyfriend/girlfriend. And I won't have any experience with relationships, so when I finally end up in one I'll fuck it up. And then I'll fuck up all my relationships and never fall in love. And I'll never get married. And then I'll never have kids. And that would fucking kill me. I want kids so bad. Well really I just want a son. But then I have this lil problem-my middle name (Kaye) is passed down in my family. My grandma, mom, and aunt all have my middle name. (Though I'm the first with an E at the end.) And I'm not being pressured to pass it on or anything, I actually want to. Because my family doesn't have any cool traditions or anything, and I want something cool like that. So it's like...I want a son but I wanna pass on the name. Though I suppose once he's grown, if he has a daughter I can guilt him into it. ;P I don't know.

Hm. What else to talk about...
So I'm having memory problems a lot. I normally have a really good memory, and I remember everything, like times and dates of things that aren't really important. But in like...November, I think, I randomly blanked out and I couldn't remember anything I did once I came out of it. And it's been happening more now, where I just won't remember the last 20 minutes or whatever. I can't remember dates or anything anymore, and I always feel like I'm forgetting something. It's seriously scaring the shit out of me, but I hate doctors.....I'm going to tell my dad and go anyway though. Just because my best friend is making me. (The bitch guilt tripped me into it. >| Ah well. I love her anyway.) I actually did it just before I started writing this entry at like 5:37. And I couldn't remember the last half hour AT ALL. It was so weird. I hate this and I'm really scared it's something serious, so I guess it's good that I'm going to the doctor...still scares the shit out of me, though.

Despite how whiny and annoying I know I am, I'm actually very very happy. Just in general, I mean. I used to be really depressed...And it was absolutely horrible. It lasted about...4 years. And it's finally over, I have no doubts about that. It's so...nice, not worrying as much (Though I still worry a lot. Lol, faaaaail.), and not feeling completely hopeless, and not wanting to die 24/7. It's just...awesome.<3333

Another thing on the depression subject...
I used to cut, like as in a lot. And I stopped. And now I feel so stupid for ever having done it in the first place. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm not trying to offend people who self-harm, I know what it's like and I hope you get help to stop, but I just feel like I was an idiot for doing it. I can't wear shorts or skirts at all. On my left leg I have scars from my hip all the way down to the top of my foot. And on my right leg, I barely have any at all. (I only had them from hip to knee on that leg, and they've all faded by now.) It looks ridiculous and uneven, just generally stupid. It's been like...a month and a half, I think, since I've stopped. You guys don't even know how happy that makes me. More of my friends are finding out that I used to cut lately, and I don't really care. I'm open with it now, with my friends at least. I'm a bit ashamed of it, because it was stupid, but it's still a part of my past. And it's kind of serving as a warning to some of them that they should never try to hurt themselves. Ever. I hate that I can't wear cute skirts anymore. Even with tights, I've checked. It's still painfully visible. And shorts are out of the question. (I'm not talking about like short-shorts, I'm waaaaay too fat for those. I don't wanna make anyone puke.) I'm talking about like, guy shorts. The basketball ones. ;P I love those, comfiest things in the world (Or at least mine were. My mom wouldn't let me wear them, she threw mine away.) and I can't wear 'em. Sucks shit, basically.

I like this not-being-depressed thing. When I start feeling down I end up having a really long conversation with my best friend about important-ish/serious shit. I mean, we talk for hours on end every night (She's the only person I can stand talking to for a long time, she lives really far away so Idk if I can stand being around her yet, we'll see.), but it's mostly about pointless/stupid/fun shit. Which is awesome, but I enjoy our serious conversations too, just 'cause (this is gonna sound weird, but whatever) Tawni is kind of mysterious. Like, she's a very secretive person, whereas I've always been incredibly open with her, so she's basically always known tons about me. And that's okay with me, but I really love knowing more about her. She fascinates me, for some reason. Even though I know she really isn't that interesting. She is to me.
I've been feeling a bit down lately, but I'm not ready for srs conversation time yet. ;P It will happen in due time. It always does.

Wheeeeeeeee superlongridiculousjournalentrythatnobodybutmaybetawniisgonnaread!

Bai bai, IAR. :3