A HAPPY-HAPPY JOURNAL :cute:

Do I know who I am?

I'm not the person who I used to be.
This maybe random but I really think I've changed over the last few months; my morals aren't the same idealistic bullshit it was two-three years ago.
Like honestly? Humanity makes me sick at times. Because all we do is crave status, attention, and perfection while truth is we're not even close to any of that.
You don't get what you want unless you lose a bit of yourself on the way; and that's a fact.

People lose their diginity, pride, and hopes just to attain one dream then when they do get it they realize that it's either too dim or too blinding to handle. If you stepped on people on your way up, another foot is gonna stomp you flat to the ground. The only /stable/ thing that I actually believe in is that karma bites you in the ass; whether you like it or not. And I know that because I got bit once, and the price wasn't pretty.

I mean my morals are just warped now; I don't like lying to people and liars but I easily lie when it comes to covering up my tracks. I don't approve of copying other people's work but yet, I believe that being inspired is some form of copying people's work and I do that too. But I've cheated in tests, and I let people copy my own school when I was in highschool; also, I've actually let myself fail subjects cause I didn't want to hire a tutor cause /I needed to understand the material by myself/.
Guess what? I got an F and I have to pay for Uni.

Also, there's this matter of feeling okay when you're not. Meaning breaking yourself apart just to feel okay; you probably do it because self destruction is pretty in it's own romantic way. I honestly feel somewhat normal and happy when I cry and be pathetic; warped. And it's the same for wanting to stand out but not wanting to at the same time, the other day I wore my GD t-shirt to Uni and this girl just gave me one look and I felt completely /naked/; it made me almost choke on my own throat if that makes sense. I've never self harmed in my life but I was close to, not because I needed to control something or feel okay, I needed to empathize with people who do it.
Sounds weird but it's the truth. I have this bad habit of wanting to know how people feel all the time and it affects me when they don't feel all that great. I'm not saying I'm a good person who's all nice and lovely and cares about what you feel; but I do. Some times I seriously don't care at all. At times I care too much.
At times I'm blunt at times I sugarcoat things enough to make myself sick. /Oh there is hope in the world./ and other lies.

The other day in my American Litrature class we were talking about right and wrong and I felt so fucking enraged about the double standards about things. The teacher mentioned that Kenyans buried their daughters alive when they were born because they're unwanted until the europeans came and told them that it's wrong and they'll hang them if they kept doing that; so they hanged enough of the Kenyans until they got the message. I argued that the Kenyans were doing what they thought was right at the time and wasn't it kind of unjust to apply what the europeans' 'God' told them to do? I mean that's a double standard. Also, is it really fair to ignore what the other Gods say in favor of one God?
The teacher simply asked me, "Do you wanna bury the little girl?"
Of course I had to say no. Because if I said otherwise I'd be the monster in the room and you don't want your social mask to fall with a blink of an eye.

In all sincerity, we all have skeletons in our closets. Even saints do. But we just live peacefully smiling at each others' faces shaking one hand while we stab backs with the other.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not hopeless.

I just see things through different glasses.


oh, and the title's just a decoy