one year.

by house m.d. Tue 14 Apr 2009, 7:18 pm

April 14th 2008.

Tears, hot and heavy and choking. Everything too fast and too slow and too real, like the words you're telling me are tangible. Then there is nothing but darkness, hours of it, trying to stay awake in case I don't ever wake up and desperately trying to fall asleep at the same time. Thoughts and memories and feelings, all overpowering and all destructive. I’ve never been so alone.
This is the night I'm ready to die.
The night I'm oh so in love.

April 14th 2009.

I miss you. One year on, and it’s still as raw as it was all that time ago. You’re so bittersweet and everything I hate to love and love to hate. All you mean is memories, flashing numbers and hospital wards. All you mean is love. Friendship thin enough to crack. All we have is threads that are tied to our hearts, pulling and tugging. Too afraid to talk about the past because it’s taboo.

I just need some time to sort out my feelings.

I'm sorry…

Have I forgiven you? Yes, I had to. I needed you…both of you. I needed to have you in my life to keep me breathing. But I can’t forget, not ever. That’s the best and worst part and sometimes I want to pretend you don’t exist because it hurts so much. It hurts because I’ll always be in love with you, for the rest of my life. It hurts because I know you can’t say the same. Everything hurts. One year later and nothing has changed, we’re back to the beginning. Thoughts and memories and feelings, all overpowering and all destructive. I’ve never been so alone.
And maybe it was never love at all.